THE BLOG OF SECRETS…

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME AND YOU…

MY FUCKING BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS TOO FAMOUS TO BE A PAPA August 3, 2008

Filed under: GENETICS — salted7s @ 9:31 pm
Tags: , ,

a bloody letter never sent…

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Papa,

A LIST OF QUESTIONS A DAUGHTER WISHES TO ASK HER FATHER 5 TO 10 MINUTES AFTER INJECTING HIS VEINS WITH TRUTH SERUM…

What is your opinion on consistence? 

Please describe your concept of satisfaction….

What does a broken heart feel like?

Did you like your mother?

What was she like to grow up with?

Did you like your father?

What was the most admirable man you have ever experienced a relationship with (i.e. Your brother, father, son #1 (John), son #2 (Zachary), colleagues, ex-brother in-laws, professors, etc.) ?

Why?

How do you feel about parenthood?

Why?

Are you ever sad?

Remember when you cried in front of me in your new apt. You moved into after abandoning your first wife, daughter, and son?

Do you want to know why you cried?

Please do not pretend to even convince yourself you are a complete soul.  Your infamous tool of compartmentalizing everything and everyone in your entire existence works only for certain situations.  The down side of this coin is your innate ability to separate life like this has dismantled any sense of emotional connections with those you have run from, turned away from, ignored, abandoned, consciously detaching yourself from us; you are a complicated man full of puzzling secrets.  

Ever hear the phrase “we are sick as our secrets”?

Secrets are toxic.  They manifest themselves in harmful stress-filled physical aliments.  

Why do you keep me secret?

Why did you stop showing through actions that you loved/love me?

Why did you not live up to being a father to us?

You know you abandoned all three of your children; hell make it 4 if you’d care to recognize the aborted fetus/dreams you demanded of your first wife.  My mother.  MY MOTHER!  YOU TRAUMATIZED HER!  ME!  JOHN!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT’RE YOU HAVE SET IN MOTION BACK THEN?  LIVES FILLED WITH NOXIOUS RAPES, MOLESTATION’S, CRACK WHORING… I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR YOUR SPERM.   IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I BATTLE SUICIDAL IDEATIONS ON A DAILY BASIS.  

HOW DOES THIS FEEL?  

ARE YOU AWAKE, AWARE?

I CRY EVERYDAY.  I MISS YOU.  I STAND AT DOORWAYS/WINDOWS AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME AND GET ME LIKE YOU PROMISED.  YOU NEVER SHOW UP.  

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO FAIL AT FATHERHOOD?

THE MOST ADMIRABLE ASPECT OF A MAN’S LIFE IS WHAT HE HAS LEFT BEHIND.  

YOU LEFT ME BEHIND.  

I AM THE MOST ADMIRABLE PERSON IN YOUR NOXIOUS LIFE.  

I HAVE BEEN TRUDGING THE ROAD OF LIFE BURDENED BY YOUR FOOLISHNESS.  PAPA, IT COMES DOWN TO YOU RELEASING ALL YOU WERE DOING BACK THEN WHEN YOU CRUSHED MY LIFE WAS BE A DAMN FOOL.  AN IDIOT.  YOU WRECKED ME.   I WILL NEVER EVER BE HEALED.  COMPLETE.  SAFE.  

SO PAPA, HAVE YOU BEEN CONSISTENT?   

GENERATIONS FROM NOW, YOU WILL NOT MATTER.  NEITHER SHALL I BE REMEMBERED.  YET, WHEN I DIE, I WILL BE FREE FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF WHICH STILL KEEPS YOU IMPRISONED FROM THE REAL WORLD.  I WILL KNOW THAT I SHOWED UP WHEN I SAID I WOULD.  I WILL DIE KNOWING I STUCK TO MY PRINCIPALS.  

HOW WILL YOU FEEL ON YOUR UPCOMING DEATH BED?

Your first born,

Daughter w/o a real father (YOU MOTHER FUCKER-LET ME GO ALREADY-TELL ME THERE IS NO HOPE IN EVER BEING YOUR DAUGHTER AGAIN.  I NEVER DID SHIT TO YOU.  YOU ARE A WORLD RENOWNED DOCTOR; PEOPLE ACTUALLY LOOK UP TO YOU.  I WONDER IF THEY WOULD IF THEY KNEW WHAT A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR YOU ARE.  NEXT TIME YOU BREAK OFF A RELATIONSHIP/GET DIVORCED AGAIN {3X THUS FAR} DON’T BOTHER TRYING TO WALK RIGHT BACK INTO MY LIFE.  I AM NOT YOUR REPLACEMENT WIFE/COMPANION.  I WISH MY PAIN WOULD WALK AWAY LIKE YOU DID.  ASSHOLE.)

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2 Responses to “MY FUCKING BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS TOO FAMOUS TO BE A PAPA”

  1. salted7s Says:

    Hey readers,

    I’ve noticed that this specific post of mine has had many “hits”, i.e. folks viewing and/or reading this unsent letter to my biological father. I’m well aware of how bitter this letter is and despite my feelings being completely valid, they are not facts; my feelings do not define my reality. My question for you whom have read this letter is do you know my biological father?

    Also, I would like to convey that this letter helps me every time I read it. It is affirming for me and cathartic.

    I ponder whether you the reader could actually be my real father. This kind of helps me as well; just imagining Papa reading my words gives me an imaginary sense of a father finally listening to his daughter (even though he would only give a shit due to his high ranking famous doctor status and the possible consequences of posting this once private letter to him. Of which I justify so don’t bother attempting to have me remove this letter.).

    I’d really dig hearing from folks whom have read this letter. I don’t know exactly what my motives are fueled by. Potentially trying to get Papa to acknowledge me. There is still a little girl filled with distress and fear inside my being. She yearns for attention from Papa. The upsetting part is knowing that any kind of attention would confirm he actually might give a flying fuck about his impact on my life.

    I have tried just about every single avenue to reach him; to feel his heart beating; to know he is real. Yet my Papa denies ever wanting to be a father and told me this while he gave me his first wedding ring (yep, my mother’s first wedding as well). Papa has given me an ultimatum (a few years back); if I want to be in his life it has to be a relationship defined by him. Papa just wants to be friends. Fuck that. Papa is my father. You just can’t bring children into this world and suddenly decide to ‘choose’ not to be a father. Life gets real chaotic with the ever growing amount of men not standing up, choosing not to take their responsibilities seriously and with tender care and acknowledging their children as their kids/their family. Which leads me to believe there are a gazillion daughters and sons out there trying their best to be a good person while carrying the weight of their parents’ sins on their shoulders.

    Since I decided not to accept Papa’s idiotic requirements and terms of how he would feel “comfortable” with, we have not spoken. In years. Too many. When I conveyed my reaction to his ultimatum (if I want to be in his life it has to be exactly how he defines it; cold, very fucking cold), my Papa looked deadpan and directly into my eyes which were swelling up with tears and he said, “Fine. Well Kim, that’s your decision. Not mine.”. WHAT THE FUCK? I burst into a flurry of tears and bluntly stated, “Papa, go buy a book titled “Fatherhood for Dummies”. We parted ways. And I was crushed once again. How would you feel if your father fucking told you he didn’t even want you in the first place and now that it’s too late to go back in time and not impregnate my mother, your father then blankly reacts to you as if you were the very diseases he studies and finds cures for. That’s it! Papa cannot fathom a hypothesis in which he could connect with me. He is real good at growing hair on bald ass rats genetic style. But when it comes to relationships, Papa becomes lost. He has no clue how to go about mending relationships; healing doesn’t come easy and Papa isn’t bothering to bringing his gene therapies into the science of relationships.

    Man alive. I need to let go of my unreasonable expectations of Papa. For 3 decades I have been suffering. He has opted not to be a part of the healing process. Fine. I can do. I’m stronger than him. I’m aware enough. Part of letting go of any hope that Papa will return to me is writing about it here. This is the last avenue I am trying to get through to him. Publicly. He really dislikes anything personal becoming public. His career is his life. Which is cool since he is really helping the world be healthier. Yet, he is protective of his personal history/life… Papa doesn’t want folks to know who he really is. And I know him best out of anyone; swear on his future grave site. That is why I decided to reach out to him public style. Maybe I will get his attention. Most likely not. Ironically, my actions via writing about Papa publicly completely conflicts with my principals. I am lost in this confusing state of dwelling in the past and who I am today. I like to think of myself as a good hearted person. But posting my hatred for the chaos Papa created in my life is opposite of my principals. How ironic. Yep, I’m most assuredly a true living being with all the hypocritical aspects of human nature.

    Shit, I really do need to work on letting go of Dr. No Show. I’m holding myself back. Fucking paradoxical life.

  2. salted7s Says:

    YEP, JUST LIKE MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER; I TOO AM ONE HYPOCRITICAL SON OF A BITCH (RATHER DAUGHTER OF A CLUELESS JERK)…


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