I’ve noticed that this specific post of mine has had many “hits”, i.e. folks viewing and/or reading this unsent letter to my biological father. I’m well aware of how bitter this letter is and despite my feelings being completely valid, they are not facts; my feelings do not define my reality. My question for you whom have read this letter is do you know my biological father?

Also, I would like to convey that this letter helps me every time I read it. It is affirming for me and cathartic.

I ponder whether you the reader could actually be my real father. This kind of helps me as well; just imagining Papa reading my words gives me an imaginary sense of a father finally listening to his daughter (even though he would only give a shit due to his high ranking famous doctor status and the possible consequences of posting this once private letter to him. Of which I justify so don’t bother attempting to have me remove this letter.).

I’d really dig hearing from folks whom have read this letter. I don’t know exactly what my motives are fueled by. Potentially trying to get Papa to acknowledge me. There is still a little girl filled with distress and fear inside my being. She yearns for attention from Papa. The upsetting part is knowing that any kind of attention would confirm he actually might give a flying fuck about his impact on my life.

I have tried just about every single avenue to reach him; to feel his heart beating; to know he is real. Yet my Papa denies ever wanting to be a father and told me this while he gave me his first wedding ring (yep, my mother’s first wedding as well). Papa has given me an ultimatum (a few years back); if I want to be in his life it has to be a relationship defined by him. Papa just wants to be friends. Fuck that. Papa is my father. You just can’t bring children into this world and suddenly decide to ‘choose’ not to be a father. Life gets real chaotic with the ever growing amount of men not standing up, choosing not to take their responsibilities seriously and with tender care and acknowledging their children as their kids/their family. Which leads me to believe there are a gazillion daughters and sons out there trying their best to be a good person while carrying the weight of their parents’ sins on their shoulders.

Since I decided not to accept Papa’s idiotic requirements and terms of how he would feel “comfortable” with, we have not spoken. In years. Too many. When I conveyed my reaction to his ultimatum (if I want to be in his life it has to be exactly how he defines it; cold, very fucking cold), my Papa looked deadpan and directly into my eyes which were swelling up with tears and he said, “Fine. Well Kim, that’s your decision. Not mine.”. WHAT THE FUCK? I burst into a flurry of tears and bluntly stated, “Papa, go buy a book titled “Fatherhood for Dummies”. We parted ways. And I was crushed once again. How would you feel if your father fucking told you he didn’t even want you in the first place and now that it’s too late to go back in time and not impregnate my mother, your father then blankly reacts to you as if you were the very diseases he studies and finds cures for. That’s it! Papa cannot fathom a hypothesis in which he could connect with me. He is real good at growing hair on bald ass rats genetic style. But when it comes to relationships, Papa becomes lost. He has no clue how to go about mending relationships; healing doesn’t come easy and Papa isn’t bothering to bringing his gene therapies into the science of relationships.

Man alive. I need to let go of my unreasonable expectations of Papa. For 3 decades I have been suffering. He has opted not to be a part of the healing process. Fine. I can do. I’m stronger than him. I’m aware enough. Part of letting go of any hope that Papa will return to me is writing about it here. This is the last avenue I am trying to get through to him. Publicly. He really dislikes anything personal becoming public. His career is his life. Which is cool since he is really helping the world be healthier. Yet, he is protective of his personal history/life… Papa doesn’t want folks to know who he really is. And I know him best out of anyone; swear on his future grave site. That is why I decided to reach out to him public style. Maybe I will get his attention. Most likely not. Ironically, my actions via writing about Papa publicly completely conflicts with my principals. I am lost in this confusing state of dwelling in the past and who I am today. I like to think of myself as a good hearted person. But posting my hatred for the chaos Papa created in my life is opposite of my principals. How ironic. Yep, I’m most assuredly a true living being with all the hypocritical aspects of human nature.

Shit, I really do need to work on letting go of Dr. No Show. I’m holding myself back. Fucking paradoxical life.

good luck,

Elena