MORE RESENTFUL RAMBLINGS August 3, 2008

IGNORE THIS; I CANNOT…

 

MY BREATHING IS WORSENING.  SHORT, NON-DESCRIPT WORDS OF SHAME LIVING AS BARNICLES GLUED TO WHERE THE FUCK MY FATHER WENT.  HE JUST HAD A BRIEF CASE.  HE WENT LEFT FROM OUR SIDE OF WEST IRVING ST.  WHERE TO?  WAS SOMEONE PICKING HIM UP?  WHO?  JANET?

HOW WILL THEY EVER KNOW THE DEPTH OF MY SOUL IS?  MEANING THEY ARE DETACHED AND LIVING IN FANTASIES.  I REBELLED AND BECAME THE VAULT FOR MY ENTIRE FAMILY’S EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE AND EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE THEY HAVE DENIED TRUTH, LOVE, SECURITY.  I BECAME THEIR DARK LITTLE SECRET.

I WEEP DAILY.  I AM A PROFESSIONAL MOURNER OF EVERYONE’S AND MY OWN LOSES.  I SUFFER FOR THEIR SINS.  I AM NOT JESUS.  I DON’T HANG ON THE CROSS WITH FORGIVENESS IN MY HEART.  MY BLOOD IS NOT FOR THEM TO WIPE AWAY.  THEY WOULDN’T EVEN KNOW HOW.  I AM NAILED TO A WRETCHED CROSS CARVED BY MY PARENTS AND AM FILLED WITH RESENTMENT.  HATRED.  VENGEFUL ENERGY.  EVIL IS STEAMING FROM OUT OF MY PORES.  MY TEARS ARE ACID RAIN.  LIKE I SAID I AM NOT JESUS. THE ONLY THING WE HAVE IN COMMON IS WE WERE PROSECUTED FOR THE SINS OF OTHERS.  MAYBE MY PARENTS ARE REALLY ROMANS WHO TRAVELLED THROUGH TIME JUST TO FUCK WITH ME.  MAYBE I WAS THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST OUR LORD OUR SAVOIR.  BUT REMEMBER, MY HEART KNOWS NO GOD.  THE ROMANS MUST BE THE DEVIL’S MANIFESTATIONS.  THEY’LL FUCK WITH ANYBODY.  SO IM NOT SO SPECIAL AFTER ALL.

SHIT, MY PAPA NEVER TOLD ME IF I WAS SPECIAL TO HIM…

MY FUCKING BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS TOO FAMOUS TO BE A PAPA August 3, 2008

a bloody letter never sent…

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Papa,

A LIST OF QUESTIONS A DAUGHTER WISHES TO ASK HER FATHER 5 TO 10 MINUTES AFTER INJECTING HIS VEINS WITH TRUTH SERUM…

What is your opinion on consistence? 

Please describe your concept of satisfaction….

What does a broken heart feel like?

Did you like your mother?

What was she like to grow up with?

Did you like your father?

What was the most admirable man you have ever experienced a relationship with (i.e. Your brother, father, son #1 (John), son #2 (Zachary), colleagues, ex-brother in-laws, professors, etc.) ?

Why?

How do you feel about parenthood?

Why?

Are you ever sad?

Remember when you cried in front of me in your new apt. You moved into after abandoning your first wife, daughter, and son?

Do you want to know why you cried?

Please do not pretend to even convince yourself you are a complete soul.  Your infamous tool of compartmentalizing everything and everyone in your entire existence works only for certain situations.  The down side of this coin is your innate ability to separate life like this has dismantled any sense of emotional connections with those you have run from, turned away from, ignored, abandoned, consciously detaching yourself from us; you are a complicated man full of puzzling secrets.  

Ever hear the phrase “we are sick as our secrets”?

Secrets are toxic.  They manifest themselves in harmful stress-filled physical aliments.  

Why do you keep me secret?

Why did you stop showing through actions that you loved/love me?

Why did you not live up to being a father to us?

You know you abandoned all three of your children; hell make it 4 if you’d care to recognize the aborted fetus/dreams you demanded of your first wife.  My mother.  MY MOTHER!  YOU TRAUMATIZED HER!  ME!  JOHN!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT’RE YOU HAVE SET IN MOTION BACK THEN?  LIVES FILLED WITH NOXIOUS RAPES, MOLESTATION’S, CRACK WHORING… I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR YOUR SPERM.   IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I BATTLE SUICIDAL IDEATIONS ON A DAILY BASIS.  

HOW DOES THIS FEEL?  

ARE YOU AWAKE, AWARE?

I CRY EVERYDAY.  I MISS YOU.  I STAND AT DOORWAYS/WINDOWS AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME AND GET ME LIKE YOU PROMISED.  YOU NEVER SHOW UP.  

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO FAIL AT FATHERHOOD?

THE MOST ADMIRABLE ASPECT OF A MAN’S LIFE IS WHAT HE HAS LEFT BEHIND.  

YOU LEFT ME BEHIND.  

I AM THE MOST ADMIRABLE PERSON IN YOUR NOXIOUS LIFE.  

I HAVE BEEN TRUDGING THE ROAD OF LIFE BURDENED BY YOUR FOOLISHNESS.  PAPA, IT COMES DOWN TO YOU RELEASING ALL YOU WERE DOING BACK THEN WHEN YOU CRUSHED MY LIFE WAS BE A DAMN FOOL.  AN IDIOT.  YOU WRECKED ME.   I WILL NEVER EVER BE HEALED.  COMPLETE.  SAFE.  

SO PAPA, HAVE YOU BEEN CONSISTENT?   

GENERATIONS FROM NOW, YOU WILL NOT MATTER.  NEITHER SHALL I BE REMEMBERED.  YET, WHEN I DIE, I WILL BE FREE FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF WHICH STILL KEEPS YOU IMPRISONED FROM THE REAL WORLD.  I WILL KNOW THAT I SHOWED UP WHEN I SAID I WOULD.  I WILL DIE KNOWING I STUCK TO MY PRINCIPALS.  

HOW WILL YOU FEEL ON YOUR UPCOMING DEATH BED?

Your first born,

Daughter w/o a real father (YOU MOTHER FUCKER-LET ME GO ALREADY-TELL ME THERE IS NO HOPE IN EVER BEING YOUR DAUGHTER AGAIN.  I NEVER DID SHIT TO YOU.  YOU ARE A WORLD RENOWNED DOCTOR; PEOPLE ACTUALLY LOOK UP TO YOU.  I WONDER IF THEY WOULD IF THEY KNEW WHAT A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR YOU ARE.  NEXT TIME YOU BREAK OFF A RELATIONSHIP/GET DIVORCED AGAIN {3X THUS FAR} DON’T BOTHER TRYING TO WALK RIGHT BACK INTO MY LIFE.  I AM NOT YOUR REPLACEMENT WIFE/COMPANION.  I WISH MY PAIN WOULD WALK AWAY LIKE YOU DID.  ASSHOLE.)